This past 30 days has been amazing. We’ve had some bumps, but I really do love that Raymond and I could talk about absolutely anything and come to a solution.
That is what a partnership is, and I can honestly say that he is the best partner I could’ve ever dreamed of. He and I are a team, and I feel blessed to have him after all my horrible experiences.
I need to treat him good because he deserves nothing less. I need to help him through the rough times, like he’s helped me. I want to love and nurture him like he’s never been before. I want to be with him forever and grow.
I know it’s super weird to say this so quickly, but sometimes you just know…
Raymond is perfect, and I love him more than he will ever know.
We had our first real “date” yesterday, when we hiked the trails of Minnewaska. It was a great experience for me. Raymond & I can talk about anything. He overcame a lot, and that just makes me love him more. He really is a dream, and I hope I never wake up. I really do love Raymond, with everything that I have.
My life is like a movie. I say that a lot, but this time I mean it.
So after that shit with my teacher, I would talk to Ray about everything. We’ve always had deep conversations, but Ray really pulled me out of my depression, and got me to go out and hang with him.
While we were chilling, I started really feeling attracted to Ray. He just really sweet, and super cute. I couldn’t help myself; I gave him a kiss, and things progressed. He’s my Kurt Cobain.
However, the next morning I was back on the same shit that kept us apart in the first place. He said that his feelings were kind of hurt by it. He didn’t think anything would progress from this, but still when my car got all fucked up, Ray was there.
The shit this man went through to fix the problem in my car was crazy. Even when he didn’t think that there could be anything between us, he still wanted to make sure that I was good with that car.
Now I know things will be difficult. I’m 6 years his senior, and I will be in a different part of my life soon. I talked to him about plans for the future.
He’s a sweetheart, and amazing in bed. He has imperfections that I can look past, that don’t bother me. I don’t want to lose a friend. And this is risky business. But I find myself excited to see Ray, and loving being in his arms, or lying right next to him.
This is scary, but I feel super comfortable.
So I had a major crush on my English teacher and weirdly, he asked me out. I couldn’t speak on it in specifics because it was kinda shaky, but now I can.
So he asked if I wanted to get lunch, dinner, or meet out for drinks. I chose lunch. So we got lunch on Wednesday, and he said straight out, “I want to be friends with benefits”. I told him that I didn’t want to do that. And after talking, I realized that this wasn’t going to be something real. He just wanted to fuck.
I couldn’t separate the teacher from the dirtbag. I didn’t realize he would be that way.
So anyway, Ray really helped me through it. He kinda warned me, but I was dumb. I was blinded. He is a sweetheart, and his help this week has been amazing.
First he invited me over
Especially lately. Maybe it’s the frustrations; he’s 24, that other dude was 24, and I’m fucking immature.
I love this picture though, it makes me smile, so i will keep it in my diary.
“Cut class cause it wasn’t ’bout cash. School wasn’t no fun, couldn’t bring my gun. Know when change gon’ come like Obama would say, But they shootin’ everyday ’round my mama and them way” – Vince Staples “Norf Norf”
I haven’t really been in a good mood at all lately.
It doesn’t matter what “good” happens, I’m still anxious as shit and just can’t be excited about anything.
It’s almost august, and school is almost in session again. This time has gone so fast, and I don’t think I’ve done anything substantive with my summer.
I had all these hopes that something good would happen to me this summer, and I know, maybe it’s too soon to tell, but where the fuck is it?
I haven’t been this depressed in a long time, and sometimes I believe that maybe it’s because I need physical contact (after a horrible experience), but why am I so blah?!?!
That may be signs of an addiction. I’m going to shut the fuck up now.
Edit: I’m not an addict, I’m just frustrated. According to Ray, that’s just a human quality. Goddamn it.