Can you blame me for being a little nervous? 

I mean, it’s obvious that I have bad luck when it comes to expectations. I’m a little fragile, and lately I’ve been super depressed.

Honestly, my depression really started a short time ago. The cause:  I really feel as if I’ve been wasting a lot of time, and allowing lame niggas to treat me however; I fucking lost my mint chapstick and it really wasn’t worth it. 20 fucking minutes? I can’t believe that was even serious. 

I felt as if I had a monkey on my back. Seriously, the smile I put on was so fake. I felt like fucking shit.

Then… the way out at the end of the tunnel. I can’t say a light because I have no idea, but it’s something to I’ve definitely been thinking about for the past year. Ask my ex, he was super jealous anytime I would talk about him. For some reason, he kept telling me that he thought that there was something going on, that he’s a man and he knows; I told him he was fucking crazy. 

I thought that I couldn’t even be a blip on the radar. He continued to draw on my lack of confidence.

So now fuck, we’re back to real time. I’m not going to say I hadn’t thought of him in a different kind of way, that would be a lie.

So now I’m this anxious bitch. I’m not sure what is expected of me, if there are any expectations at all. 

Even though everyone complements me, I can’t see what they see. It’s just weird when people say things about what I look like physically, it’s like they’re talking about someone else.

I kinda believed that I would have to say something, obviously I was going to wait til the last possible moment. I just suck at waiting, thank god I didn’t have to. I really didn’t want to subject myself to the horrible shit I’ve been already exposed to these past few hang outs.

Then This Nigga (LMFAO) I met at work took me to goddamn Pizza Hut to split a personal pizza, with this weird swag! When he got into my car, I knew that there was no possible way this would go any further, still I entertained it and just kinda laughed under my breath at the stories he was telling me. 

He never even said anything until 2 hours later, he texted me. I mean, sometimes that’s alright, but what he said… I will not repeat, but it would’ve probably been better if he said it IRL, RIP.

the physical laziness, inability to work, GETTING EVERYTHING YOU EXPECTED while I’m disappointed. It just wasn’t fucking fair.

I don’t know, man. I can’t even talk about expectations because it’s not much. Maybe a fruitful conversation? 

I don’t know if that’s too much to ask. I dont even expect it. I don’t expect anything, but being treated badly and to be back in my depressed condition.

At least when there are no expectations, there’s no room to get hurt.

– Fatima.


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